Internet extortion

Got a pretty scary email early this morning…it alarmed me at first glance, at least for about two seconds or so. Three seconds, tops. The ominous sounding extortion threat read as follows:

Hello!

Do not mind on my illiteracy, I am from India.We loaded the malicious program onto your system.After that I stole all individual information from your OS. Moreover I had slightly more compromising.The most interesting evidence which I received- its a record with your masturbation.I set virus on a porn page and after you downloaded it. As soon as you chose the video and clicked on a play, my virus instantly downloaded on your OS.

After downloading, your camera shoot the video with you masturbating,  moreover software saved exactly the video you masturbated on. In next week my malicious software captured all your social media and work contacts.

If you want to erase all the compromising evidence- pay me 470 euro in Bitcoins.
I provide you my Btc number – 13UEudUHf3yzJm9791w7qRH2edooCpoyWY  

You have 20 hours to go since now. When I receive transaction I will eliminate the evidence in perpetuity. Otherwise I will send the tape to all your contacts.

Wilks Drone — “Think twice extortion email”

Sorry, but I will mind the illiteracy as well as the stupidity, because I don’t like being threatened or blackmailed by prevaricating wankers from India.

The timing of the email was admittedly a little worrisome because my laptop had lost the internet connection while I was feeding the dogs, and it took a few seconds to figure out how to restore order, but that seemed to be Comcast, not my new friend from India. I actually wondered if this idiot had somehow managed to infect my laptop with a computer virus, even though I knew most of his threat was bogus. When I was finally able to reconnect to the internet, the first thing I did was reply with an email asking one simple question: “What’s my OS?”

No answer yet, now with the deadline about to expire. Don’t think I’m gonna get an answer, either, because I don’t think my extortionist knows. Call it a hunch, but I’m pretty sure I’d remember masturbating while watching porn on my computer. I’ll go a step even farther — I’ve never watched porn on my computer. Clicked on the wrong link and saw a nude photo, sure. If someone thinks they have more than that, let’s see what they’ve got. Aside from the threatening email and the brief internet connection problem, my computer is showing no signs of malware.

Perhaps that’s because I keep state-of-the-art virus protection running at all times. Most of the time the anti-virus software warns me when I accidentally click on a bad link before any nude photos can be displayed. No anti-virus software is perfect, but there’s no reason at all to believe this person in India has what he claims to have. Even if he had a picture of me personally, taken from the camera on my laptop, I seriously doubt you can see anything except my hands. You see, about six months ago I dropped my laptop and broke the screen. I had to buy and connect an external monitor just to see the computer screen. As a result, for the last six months or so my laptop’s screen has been folded down to about a 45 degree angle.

The laptop camera may not even work anymore. If someone in India really is spying on me, they might be getting a decent picture of my knuckles from three or four inches away, unless this joker flew over from India, broke into my house, and set up a hidden camera. I’m gonna go all-in and say he’d be lying about that, too. At any rate, there’s no way in hell any camera could be pointed at my face at this moment or my private parts, definitely not in recent memory. Gonna have to call this bluff. Time to lay down our cards.

Visualize a snowball. Then visualize hell, using your imagination. Finally imagine that snowball melting in hell. That’s about what this clown has of getting even a nickel from me via Bitcoin. I don’t have a guilty conscience. The clock is allegedly ticking.

(Cue theme from Jeopardy!)

Now, if you’re a friend or on my contact list and you happen to get this alleged video showing me in the ultimate act of self gratification, please email me a copy. I’d like to see what was supposed to be worth 470 Euros without even bothering to figure out what the exchange rate converts that amount to dollars is these days. Not that it matters, in the big scheme of things. It doesn’t really matter that I’ve never done a Bitcoin transaction either, because I have no intention of my first one to be paying some sort of a ransom to this idiot extortionist wannabe from India. The only form of currency this clown might ever receive from me is what’s printed by Milton Bradley.

In other words, Monopoly money.